Why I Cancelled My Flight to NYC

Hello everyone, Cass here. I know I have been absent from the blog lately. As the week in June approached for me to write about New York Fashion Week (NYFW), I felt a massive weight of uneasiness. I knew it wasn’t right to write it yet. That was nearly three weeks ago. Today, I finally have the words to explain the Lord’s conviction and the inward work He is doing inside of me, and why I ultimately decided to cancel my NYC flight and hotel booking at midnight last Thursday.

Before you read any further, I highly encourage you to go listen to an episode of the With the Perrys podcast called “Let’s Talk About Covetousness.” That specific conversation was what finally broke through the noise for me.

 

I am an achiever by nature. In my singleness, I have often listened to married friends reflect on how limited their time feels now and how they wish they had taken more advantage of their single years to accomplish more. They usually mean it as a reminder to maximize my time, but I accidentally took it on as a personal challenge.

Because I was graced with this shared “wisdom”, an assumption that I have endless time, and an achiever personality, I felt like I had to go after every single desire right now because “this is the season for it.” My mindset was that I would just check in with God along the way as I ran, and He would allow it all.

Yes, He did allow it, but He allowed it to go sour.

 

On the podcast, Melissa Krueger described how covetousness can show up in two ways: a sinful desire for a bad thing, or a good desire that has gone sour. She explained that you know you have reached the “sour” place with a good desire when you start to grumble and complain that God is not being good enough to you or for you.

Ouch. That hit home.

In my preparation for NYFW, I bumped into plenty of financial disappointments. Instead of my faith increasing through prayer that the Lord would make a way, my heart grew sour. I knew that as a single woman the Lord was my only provider, but I began to look at Him like He was teasing me, holding me back from a breakthrough. I became like the Israelites in the desert.

This trip began to turn me desperate toward hustle culture. I was desperately looking for side jobs to work, burning myself out even further just to scrape together enough money. Between my already demanding day job, driving all day for work, serving in women’s ministry, and leading a Bible study, I was burning myself out completely dry. It felt like grinding was all I could do just to financially make it happen. I even wanted to build a social media following just so I could monetize it for the trip, but that was never the original heart behind this mission. I spent nights waking up in the middle of the night stressed about the trip, anxiously unable to fall back asleep.

This anxiety bled into my day job. I started missing all the beautiful things the Lord had already gifted me with because they did not provide immediate financial ease. I began to grumble, asking, “How long will I have to forever hustle for you, Lord?” As if He even asked me to do this. When you find yourself in that space, you begin to look around at everyone else and assume their lives are easy while you are the only one working hard.

 

I have been reading through Romans recently, and Jackie Hill Perry mentioned Romans 1 on the podcast. Verse 17 says that the righteous will live by faith, and I realized I was not doing that. The chapter goes on to say that we are without excuse when it comes to knowing His attributes and character. Then, verse 21 says that they knew God, yet they did not glorify Him or show gratitude. Their thinking became nonsense, their hearts were darkened, and while claiming to be wise, they became fools who exchanged God for idolatry.

As my eyes crossed those words, I fell down in repentance before the Lord. I hated that I had gotten twisted up into the reality of Romans 1:25. I was serving and hustling toward a goal that I had created, completely forgetting to praise the Creator.

In good conscience, I cannot pursue a hustle and an achieving desire that has gone sour. I thank the Lord for His kindness and support in stopping me. I know that at one time this dream was pure and honorable, and maybe in a better season I will get the chance to do it. But right now, I would rather do the thing the world assumes to be foolish: rest from the hustle.

 

Quietly, the Lord has been removing a lot from my plate. I have watched Him shift the focus of my heart to a place of retreat, just as Jesus often retreated from the crowds for quiet time with the Father, away from the approval and praise of man.

To be completely honest, I have been hurt within ministry. I have struggled with a painful lack of discipleship from leadership above me, and the equally heavy weight of unspoken (and spoken) expectations and comparison from those around me. Sometimes people look at your gift or title and forget you are a daughter of the King learning, growing, and enduring too. It is a lonely walk to feel totally isolated in leadership by the people both above and below you. It often feels like there isn’t a safe person to turn to, except for my mom who lives three states away. I watched myself try to strive and prove to others that a single woman belongs in women’s ministry, completely forgetting that it is the Lord’s job to change hearts and judgments, not mine. I secretly have prayed that upon the day my relational status changes, I can be the person I needed when I was single and in ministry for someone who desperately needs it. Gosh do I have such a heart for the called who are isolated.

So, I am choosing to retreat. I am allowing the Lord to heal my heart and grow my faith. If I seem less active on socials, or if people assume I am avoiding serving, I want to gently share this news with you all: I am focusing inward. I probably will share more fun and less teaching.

I am so incredibly thankful for your donations for the trip, and please know that every single donation has already been returned. I am so thankful for the many ladies I am blessed to disciple, for my prayer warriors, and for God’s church.

For once in my life, I am watching the Lord outpour a level of joy that has absolutely nothing to do with me chasing a desire or hustling for a metric. He is calling me home to rest, to enjoy life, and to be provided for in His own creative way.

Because guess what? Life with Jesus does not always have to be miserable or caught up in deep suffering. Sometimes, He quietly wants to show you His love through gentle discipline and pure joy. And this summer has truly been fun, I am excited to shed off the stress I created.

Much love to you all. This blog will still exist. It just won’t be a place for me to achieve anymore. Instead, it is going to be a place for me to simply be loved.